JUST LIKE HIM

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:37:00 -0500

I was standing at the Redbox kiosk yesterday when this conversation took place, minding my own business, trying not to look creepy or murdery or anything.

WOMAN: Oh. My. God. Hey you!
ME: Hello.
WOMAN: Oh my God. You look just like…
ME: (In a split second, I thought ‘Yeah, I get that a lot. I probably look like your nephew.’)
WOMAN: like the guy who burned his kids alive in the back seat of his car!
ME: Really! Okay! Well, my kids are safe in the back seat of my car right now, and I have no plans to burn them alive.
WOMAN: Yeah he’s not you. He’s dead.
ME: That’s nice.
WOMAN: After he killed his kids, he shot himself. In the head. He’s dead now.
ME: At least he won’t be burning up any more kids.
WOMAN: Seriously, though. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM. JUST LIKE HIM.
ME: I get that a lot. Usually I resemble a family member of someone, or some B-list actor. I don’t usually get told I look like a psychopath who might burn his kids alive, so that’s a first!
WOMAN: (Looks distrustfully at me, then toward my car and the kids, then back at me with the stinkeye.)
ME: I’m not him. Swear. On my kids’ lives.
WOMAN: JUST LIKE HIM. OH. MY. GOD.
ME: I’m gonna go now. Nice meeting you! (I get in my car.)
KID: Who was that lady you were talking to? What were you guys talking about?
ME: Oh, nothing. She just wanted to know if any good movies came out.

As I pulled out, I made eye contact with her and she shuddered. SHUDDERED. Like she just met a guy who might burn his kids alive. I rolled my window down and said, “Sorry to have disturbed you with my murderously good looks! Bye!” Then I drove home and held my kids for awhile. The end.

EDIT: She got a lot of the details wrong, but I’m pretty sure this is the guy she was referring to.

Roland Fox

JUST LIKE HIM