July 14 2010

Surrounding yourself with only like-minded people is narcissism by proxy.

—John August

2pm

So my agent said “I’ll be in touch,” which I’m pretty sure is Hollywood Speak for “This is absolutely brilliant let me stew on this for a bit while I figure out where to store all the money I’m going to make off of this.” You heard it here first!

So my agent said “I’ll be in touch,” which I’m pretty sure is Hollywood Speak for “This is absolutely brilliant let me stew on this for a bit while I figure out where to store all the money I’m going to make off of this.”

You heard it here first!

2pm

July 12 2010
Yes, I actually quoted Cast Away. And did the hand motions. Yes. Look what I’ve created. I have made FIRE. I…Have made FIRE!

Yes, I actually quoted Cast Away. And did the hand motions.

Yes. Look what I’ve created. I have made FIRE.

I…Have made FIRE!

11am

July 08 2010
Originally posted December 14th, 2009 Eddie Masters, Director, Food Network: Jihad, I’m going to need you to get into it a bit more. Make that quiche your bitch. Maybe do one of those middle eastern yells before you take a bite? Giada De Laurentiis: It’s not quiche. It’s ragu. You know, spaghetti? And by the way, it’s pronounced Yada. Also… Eddie: ACTION. Giada: MMMMMM…. Eddie: AAAAAND CUT. Jihad, Jihad, Jihad. How many times have we gone over this? If you don’t feel that food, if you don’t make love with the food, our viewers won’t be making love with you. You know your target audience, right? Giada: Male, age 40 to 50, balding, sweatpants. Yes, I know the audience. But you’re wearing on me. It’s not Jihad. It’s Giada. Yada. I was born in Rome. Italy. Eddie: I know my Italian. I watched The Sopranos. Just do the moan and the face so we can move on. Capish, Jihad? Giada, under her breath: Vaffanculo! Vai in culo, cazzeggiare… Eddie: ACTION.

Originally posted December 14th, 2009

Eddie Masters, Director, Food Network: Jihad, I’m going to need you to get into it a bit more. Make that quiche your bitch. Maybe do one of those middle eastern yells before you take a bite?

Giada De Laurentiis: It’s not quiche. It’s ragu. You know, spaghetti? And by the way, it’s pronounced Yada. Also…

Eddie: ACTION.

Giada: MMMMMM….

Eddie: AAAAAND CUT. Jihad, Jihad, Jihad. How many times have we gone over this? If you don’t feel that food, if you don’t make love with the food, our viewers won’t be making love with you. You know your target audience, right?

Giada: Male, age 40 to 50, balding, sweatpants. Yes, I know the audience. But you’re wearing on me. It’s not Jihad. It’s Giada. Yada. I was born in Rome. Italy.

Eddie: I know my Italian. I watched The Sopranos. Just do the moan and the face so we can move on. Capish, Jihad?

Giada, under her breath: Vaffanculo! Vai in culo, cazzeggiare…

Eddie: ACTION.

4pm

AMG! A giant floating bag of Doritos has come to Indianapolis to steal all my weed!

AMG! A giant floating bag of Doritos has come to Indianapolis to steal all my weed!

11am

July 06 2010
Perfect form. Let me show you it. Do you see that product placement, Nike? Where’s my his check?

Perfect form. Let me show you it.

Do you see that product placement, Nike? Where’s my his check?

12pm

July 04 2010
This is America, motherfuckers, and for only $200, you can blow part of it up.

This is America, motherfuckers, and for only $200, you can blow part of it up.

2pm

June 29 2010

I am standing in line next to my wife waiting to donate a pint of my precious blood just so I can get a free ticket to the Twilight movie, and as I say this, I know fully well I’m still not going to get laid tonight :(

6pm

June 25 2010

Handlebars by The Flobots

This dude is amazing.

My wife, an ASL interpreter, says he’s a CODA (Child Of a Deaf Adult). Public speakers take note. Your body language and facial expressions speak volumes.

4pm

If Street Fighter had a Wi-Fi vs. mode that let you play people across the world, I would never leave the bathroom. And I’d WTFPWN you all. Unless you know how to do the Shoryuken, in which case I’m pretty much fucked. Or if you actually know how to play that guy who breathes fire and has the stretchy arms and legs, because dude can cause problems. Or if you use the always unpredictable button-mashing technique like my wife does. Against that, there is no defense. Okay, so I kinda suck at Street Fighter, but it’d sure be a nice Words With Friends alternative.

If Street Fighter had a Wi-Fi vs. mode that let you play people across the world, I would never leave the bathroom. And I’d WTFPWN you all.

Unless you know how to do the Shoryuken, in which case I’m pretty much fucked. Or if you actually know how to play that guy who breathes fire and has the stretchy arms and legs, because dude can cause problems. Or if you use the always unpredictable button-mashing technique like my wife does. Against that, there is no defense.

Okay, so I kinda suck at Street Fighter, but it’d sure be a nice Words With Friends alternative.

1pm

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