July 2010
17 posts
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Out of Context
From a non-spam email I just got:
“Infiltrate Granny’s secret mountain compound…”
WatchBrostitute with Tim Roth
“I’ve blown out this shoulder a couple of times from high-fiving.”
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Reggie and Me
She dragged me to her stupid company picnic, kicking and screaming—nay, flopping and UURMPHING because of the ankle restraints and gag. I fought, though. That’s how she liked it. She was an aloof huntress, disinterested in weak-minded prey.
The Ren Faire was being held at the same park, so we fit right in. An elf told me I played the part of the tortured prisoner really well. If he only knew.
...
The Margarita Dilemma
stuffparty:
So, me and Marie thought the amount of booze bottles with dregs in them was getting a bit ridiculous. We got some limes at the market since we had some tequila and triple sec. Unfortunately the tequila is probably not one of the better ones – Sauza Blanco – but the triple sex, made by De Kuyper, I’ve no idea about. This isn’t my area of expertise, so to speak. Anyway, it’s a triple...
“Surrounding yourself with only like-minded people is narcissism by proxy.”
– John August
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June 2010
22 posts
I am standing in line next to my wife waiting to donate a pint of my precious blood just so I can get a free ticket to the Twilight movie, and as I say this, I know fully well I’m still not going to get laid tonight :(
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Working at a golf tourney, in the clubhouse, waiting on the rain to clear up. Sitting at my table are a former NCAA Final Four head coach, a former NBA head coach, and a current NBA starting forward. QUICK SOMEONE TEACH ME MORE BASKETBALL TERMINOLOGY I JUST IMPRESSED THE SHIT OUT OF THEM BY TALKING ABOUT HOME RUNS AND JUMPING OFFSIDES
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1 Random Things About Me
fireland:
I don’t eat sandwiches that are more than say six inches long. Because I knew this guy who got a sandwich and bit into it and there was a snake inside. Not a killer cobra or whatever, just a little green garter snake there in the shredded lettuce, but still.
And I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say: Josh, even if you ordered a cute little one-inch sandwich (do they...
HEY BUDDY I HAPPEN TO LIKE VENEZUELANS
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WatchWax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio
If you’re a thirtysomething like me who doesn’t know what to think about the new Karate Kid movie, this will make your day.
You're all awful, awful people.
This is what I hear playing out in the back seat of my car...
High five / on the side / down low / too slow
High five / on the side / in the creek / YOU'RE A GEEK
Caleb: Dad, Aidan called me a geek!
Me: Did he know what it meant? Aidan, do you know what a geek is?
Aidan: Umm, yeah. It's one of those ducks that bites really hard. DUH
Me: EXACTLY. Hence the creek.
Caleb: NUH UH. It means you're an awful, awful person.
Me: But we should still love those awful people and those biting ducks, right? Now kiss and make up...
Both boys: EEEWWWWWW
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Anonymous asked: Can you please put on here that he is CEO and President of "Children of America". Are children really safe and what would the parents think? Please see for yourself, he is the founder of that company.
May 2010
13 posts
2 tags
fuckyeahofficefriends:
Andrew: Hey, you want to read my B.O.N.E. Thuggs fan fiction? Doug: No, man Andrew: :(
What a dick.
I DO! Please tell me Krayzie Bone and the gang *does* meet EZ at The Crossroads.
Things wot are making me fat.
In addition to the free coffee, tea, and water that many companies provide their employees, my employer also provides free orange, apple, & grape juice, V8, and a soda fountain with 4-5 different flavors on each floor. Among the flavors are:
Pepsi
Diet Pepsi
Mt. Dew
Diet Mt. Dew
Lipton Raspberry Iced Tea
Tropicana Orange Soda
Coke
Diet Coke
Cherry Coke
Sprite
Diet Sprite
Dr....
Ralph Wiggum in the flesh.
I unwillingly took my seven year old, his younger brother, and his annoying friend to an arcade last night. I really can’t stand this kid. Ralph: Mr. Fox, can you turn your car around? Roland: Wha? What for? (We are still in the driveway.) Ralph: I don’t like it when people back out onto a road. It scares me. Ralph: Mr. Fox, guess what my favorite animal is. Roland: What? Ralph: No....
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