May 2012
22 posts
2 tags
May 29th
2 notes
3 tags
rolandfox: My wife was betrothed to one of the Indy 500 drivers when she was a little girl. She’s cheering him on like a fangirl should. Have a safe race, bud! He made a run for it toward the end, but he wrecked (in spectacular fashion). Now I feel like a dick (see first tag).
May 29th
6 notes
3 tags
My wife was betrothed to one of the Indy 500 drivers when she was a little girl. She’s cheering him on like a fangirl should. Have a safe race, bud!
May 27th
6 notes
1 tag
May 27th
7 notes
May 26th
4 notes
3 tags
May 24th
50 notes
4 tags
May 23rd
5 notes
“When you colonize another planet—or country—you bring your bacteria to them and...”
– Tom Sachs
May 17th
1 note
6 tags
May 16th
4 notes
2 tags
1:30 am chats on a low-carb diet
Me: Do we have any Chopped or Cupcake Wars on the DVR? I need some good masturbating material.
Wife: Actually, we have the Cupcake Wars Championship taped.
Me: Fuck yes. Let's do this.
May 15th
5 notes
2 tags
May 13th
9 notes
May 13th
6 notes
1 tag
May 13th
7 notes
5 tags
May 13th
4 notes
4 tags
May 12th
2 notes
May 12th
3 notes
2 tags
May 9th
6 notes
2 tags
Mom: Have you talked to your kids about "unwanted touch?" (I could hear the finger quotes over the phone.)
Me: uhhhh...yeah
Mom: I just thought about it since your son just left on an overnight field trip. Did you talk about it right before he left? Aren't there a lot of adult male "chaperones" going? (More audible finger quotes.)
Me: No, I guess I hadn't thought about that. But thanks for reminding me about his imminent danger from unwanted touch!
May 7th
5 notes
May 5th
1 note
13 tags
May 4th
463 notes
May 3rd
43 notes
2 tags
May 2nd
23 notes
April 2012
12 posts
1 tag
Apr 29th
5 notes
10 tags
Apr 23rd
341 notes
2 tags
Apr 20th
4 notes
4 tags
Well, duh.
yhf: belleischrome: monkeyfrog: chronically-awesome: silverpipes: shanamaideleh: 26% Dixie. I am a Yankee Doodle dandy, apparently.  31% Dixie. How am I more southern than you? 62% Dixie.Well  under the Mason-Dixon Line Goddamn right. I’m 43% Dixie, but I grew up in Clinton, Iowa! Barefoot and dirty, but still. I’m 88% Dixie. Thank you, Texas, for crawfish, coke, and doodle...
Apr 20th
196 notes
2 tags
I just quoted Anchorman on an online job...
I was asked: Why should we hire you over the other candidates? I replied: Because I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. My interview is this Thursday at 2.
Apr 17th
9 notes
Thieves snatch Tom Petty guitars →
The thieves are going to be pissed that the guitars only play 3 chords.
Apr 17th
3 notes
Apr 17th
2 notes
3 tags
Apr 16th
8 notes
3 tags
Apr 16th
10 notes
Apr 15th
55 notes
1 tag
Hot Box Pizza Girl: Hot Box. How can I help you?
Me: Teehee.
HBP: ...
Me: I'd like to order the half-off pie of the week, please.
HBP: OK, what's the secret password?
Me: It's getting hot in here. So take off all your clothes...
HBP: We only need the "It's getting hot in here" part.
Me: I am. Getting too hot. I wanna take my clothes off...
HBP: Small, Large, or Extra-Large?
Me: Large. You're not amused, are you.
HBP: You're like the 4th person to do that today.
Apr 6th
2 notes
Apr 2nd
2 notes
March 2012
6 posts
Mar 31st
3 notes
Mar 22nd
2 notes
2 tags
Mar 20th
1 note
Mar 13th
2 notes
Mar 8th
2 notes
Mar 7th
3 notes